Every time I look into your eyes
by Calypsana
Summary: "That was exactly how Ezra felt. He could still be happy, he was happy, but he would never be as happy as he once had been, not as happy as he would have been if things had played out differently." One-shot


**So, I actually started this one-shot two years ago but never finished it. I recently found it and decided to change some things and finish it. So here it is. **

**The story takes place during two different periods of time, I wrote the dates every time it changes so that it's not too confusing.**

****Warning: It's not the happiest story in the world, so brace yourself. But please read it.****

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><p><em>Footsteps suddenly resounded in the stairwell, Ezra looked up and froze. He swallowed hard as he watched her walking down the stairs, her petite stature moving with grace. She was wearing the same dress she had the first time he had seen her, in this little college bar, many years ago. Her long dark hair was falling down on her tiny shoulders and she had the same smile, this smile which caused her beautiful hazel eyes to light up every time it crossed her face. <em>

_He knew that it couldn't be true, that it couldn't be her. Not only because many years had passed, but because he was a rational person who didn't believe in ghosts._

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><p><em><strong>December 2019<strong>_

"What do you think of William?" Ezra said, looking at his girlfriend who was lying on the couch, a book in her right hand and the other on her round belly.

Aria looked up at him and smiled. "That's cute, but I don't think William will work for a girl."

Ezra rolled his eyes at her. "Seriously, Aria? Again? I thought you had agreed to recognize that you couldn't be sure that we're going to have a girl."

They had had this discussion hundreds of times. Since the day she had found out that she was pregnant, Aria had never stopped believing that the baby was a girl. She hadn't even been upset when, during the second appointment, when they should have known the baby's sex, the doctor had told them that it was impossible due to its position. For her, there was no doubt about it, the baby was a girl.

Aria smirked. "Yes, but I only said that because I wanted ice cream, and you wouldn't have gone to the store if I hadn't told you what you wanted to hear."

Ezra threw his hands in the air. "Unbelievable!"

"A girl is not that bad, you know."

"I did not say that I didn't want a girl," Ezra argued. "I would be thrilled, but what I'm saying is that no matter how sure you are, you might still be wrong, and in this case, we should be prepared and pick a boy name. I don't think our son would be very happy to be called "Daisy."

A smirk spread across Aria's face. "Well, if you can deal with having a girl name, so would he."

"Aria!" Ezra let out, unable to help the smile which played on his lips.

Laughing softly, Aria straightened up on the couch before taking one of Ezra's hands in hers. "Fine." She finally complied. "I will think of a boy name."

Satisfaction spread across Ezra's face but he suddenly got suspicious. Aria was the most stubborn person he had ever met, and she never changed her mind that easily. She wouldn't fool him twice.

"Okay, what do you want this time?" He asked her. "Ice cream again?"

Aria bit her lip. "Not exactly." She shyly replied.

Ezra furrowed his brows. "So, what?"

"Strawberries?!"

Ezra raised an eyebrow. "Strawberries? Really? Talk about_ cliché_!"

Aria rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, I think I do have the right to be a little _cliché_ sometimes!" She replied. "I mean, I dated my English teacher, I fell in love with him and I'm having his baby. Not exactly what we could call _cliché_!"

"Oh and I had pink hair too!" She added with a grin.

Ezra couldn't help but smile. She was right, Aria was anything but typical. And it was mostly because of this that he had fallen in love with her. He loved the fact that she was never afraid of being herself either in the way she dressed or the way she talked. Convention was a word which meant nothing to her. When she thought that something felt right, she didn't care if it was something that people or society would approve on, and she just fought for it no matter what the odds. And he was glad that she was this kind of person, because if she weren't, he wouldn't be the happy man he was now, having a baby with the girl he loved.

"Fine, I guess you're right. But we're in December, where do you expect me to find strawberries?"

"I bet the store has some. We could go together. I'm sick of staying here all day long," Aria complained.

Ezra knew she was frustrated. Aria was currently eight months pregnant but she had been asked to stay home and stop working since the sixth month of her pregnancy due to some complications.

"Aria, it's getting late..." Ezra argued.

"I know but it's not me; it's _her_ who kept asking for strawberries!" Aria said, pointing at her belly as Ezra rolled his eyes.

"Please?" She asked with pleading eyes.

Ezra closed his eyes and sighed. He had given up a long time ago on trying to resist this look she gave him every time she wanted something. The moment his dark blue eyes locked with her huge hazel eyes he knew he was done for. There was nothing he could refuse her and nothing he wouldn't do for her, which she perfectly knew.

"Fine… Let's go then." He reluctantly told her.

Aria smiled widely before getting up and grabbing her cardigan.

Ezra was tired and really didn't want to go outside again, but seeing the smile playing on Aria's beautiful features made everything worth it; so he took his car keys and they both left their cozy little apartment.

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><p><em><strong>September 2035<strong>_

"Wake up! Wake up!"

The little boy's voice pulled Ezra out of his peaceful slumber. He slowly opened his eyes to see his six-year-old son hovering above him.

"Hum, what's going on?" Ezra sleepily asked his son.

The little boy crossed his arms and looked at his father seriously. "Daddy, are you kidding me? It's my first day at elementary school, I don't wanna be late!" The little boy seriously replied. "Please, wake up, daddy. You promised you would help me choose my clothes!"

Ezra rolled over to glance at the clock on his nightstand.

"Trust me, Mattie, you have plenty of time," He told his son when he noticed the very early hour.

"What's going on?" Elena, Mattie's mother suddenly asked.

The little boy turned to his mother. "It's my first day at school, Mom!"

"But it's very early," Elena argued.

"Please! I'm so scared to be late!" The little boy pleadingly said.

Ezra sighed. "Okay, buddy, you win. I'm getting up. Go to the kitchen, I'll join you in a few minutes."

Ezra smiled and shook his head as he watched his son excitedly running toward the door before disappearing.

He couldn't believe that Mattie was already starting elementary school, time had flown by so fast!

Ezra had met Mattie's mother eight years ago. She was Hardy's wife's best friend and after a lot of supplications from his college roommate and also best friend, he had finally accepted to go on a date with her. He had gotten to know Elena and they had slowly started to build a real relationship, and two years later, Mattie had joined them. It wasn't planed, but he would never regret having this little boy in his life.

If someone asked him if he was happy, he would say yes. He had a job he loved and a family he loved very much too.

Did he still think of Aria?

Every single day.

Did he miss her?

All the time.

Yes, he was happy but, sometimes, he couldn't help but wondering how his life would have been if Aria was still here with him. He couldn't help imagining the life they could have had together with their child. It generally happened without any warning. Sometimes, he would watch Elena play with Mattie and for a brief second, he would imagine Aria and their child instead of them. Sometimes, he would wake up and met Elena's green eyes and wished it were Aria's hazel eyes he was staring into. In these moments, he hated himself for thinking that, but he couldn't help it. He loved Elena, he really did, but not the way he had loved Aria.

People say that true love can only been found once in a lifetime, and as for himself, he had found it in a little college bar, many years ago, as he was about to start his first teaching job. It doesn't mean that we can't fall in love several times in our lives, he had fallen in love with Elena, just not with the same intensity.

It's like watching a beautiful landscape through a closed window. You can still appreciate the beauty but you will never be able to see the true colors, the real beauty. There will always be something preventing you from truly seeing it. That was exactly how Ezra felt. He could still be happy, he _was_ happy, but he would never be as happy as he once had been, not as happy as he would have been if things had played out differently.

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><p><strong><em>December 2019<em>**

His throat was sore and his head hurt, he tried to open his eyes but the dazzling light only increased his headache, forcing him to keep his eyes close. He reached beside him, wanting to feel Aria's warm body but the place beside him was cold and empty. He finally managed to open his eyes and confusion rushed through him when he looked around him and realized that he wasn't in their room.

"Aria?" He called out when he spotted someone in front of him.

The person came closer to his bed and he realized that it wasn't his girlfriend but her mother, Ella.

"Where am I? What happened?" He asked, confused.

Aria's mother didn't reply right away and that was when he realized that she was crying. Her eyes were puffy and red and he didn't think he had even seen his girlfriend's mother and also former colleague in such a bad shape.

"You…You don't remember?"

He shook his head in negation. The last thing which came to his mind was Aria's happy face when he had finally agreed to go with her to the store. That was the only thing his mind could think about, the smile which had spread across her beautiful features, causing her hazel eyes to light up.

"There was an accident…" Ella said, wiping some tears off her face. "They…they said it wasn't your fault, that the road was frozen and…that…the car left the road."

"Is Aria alright? Where is she?"

"Ezra…" Ella looked down.

Panicked grew inside of him but he tried to push it back. "Ella, please, where is she?"

His question only caused more tears to escape Aria's mother eyes.

As he watched the tears running down Ella Montgomery's cheeks, without knowing why, the face of Mrs. Vanderwall suddenly came to his mind. The picture of the middle-age woman breaking down, features distorted by pain as the police had publicly announced that her daughter had been murdered appeared to him clearly.

He wondered why, the face of Mona's mother, who he hadn't thought about in years, had chosen this exact moment to come back to his mind, when it suddenly hit him. The pain he had seen on Mona's mother face on Thanksgiving many years ago, was the same one he was currently seeing on his girlfriend's mother's face. It was the kind of pain that most people consider as the greatest pain in the world: the unbearable pain of losing a child.

And he knew.

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><p><em><strong>September 2035<strong>_

He helped Mattie get ready, chose with him the perfect clothes for his first day, _'something which would make him look like a man'_, as the little boy said, and before he could count up to three, his son was already rushing toward the door.

"Mattie, wait! Don't you think someone's missing?" Ezra asked the impatient little boy.

"Teddy is in my bag!"

Ezra let out a chuckle, raising an eyebrow at his son. "I'm not talking about your bear."

Mattie rolled his eyes, slightly annoyed. "But I have already called her twice, and she's still in the bathroom! We're going to be late!" He complained.

"Don't you worry, honey, we're not going to be late," Elena reassured her son. "She's going to be ready in a minute."

"_I'm coming!"_

Ezra looked at Mattie. "See?"

"It was about time!" Mattie whined.

Footsteps suddenly resounded in the stairwell, Ezra looked up and froze. He swallowed hard as he watched her walking down the stairs, her petite stature moving with grace. She was wearing the same dress she had the first time he had seen her, in this little college bar, many years ago. Her long dark hair was falling down on her tiny shoulders and she had the same smile, this smile which caused her beautiful hazel eyes to light up, every time it crossed her face.

He knew that it couldn't be true, that it couldn't be her. Not only because many years had passed, but because he was a rational person who didn't believe in ghosts.

"Are you alright?" She asked him with concern.

Her soft voice pulled him out of his trance and he looked at the young girl in front of him and met her worried big hazel eyes. He was used to the perfect resemblance, but today with the dress… She just looked so much like her, so much like _her mother._

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><p><strong><em>December 2019<em>**

"No." Was all Ezra managed to say.

It couldn't be true. She couldn't be gone. She was only twenty-five; she had her whole life ahead of her. She had to be here, they were going to have a baby, and they had planned to get married, to travel in Europe, to… There were so many things they needed to do together, so many things he had to tell her. She couldn't be gone. He refused to accept that. He was going to close his eyes and when he would open them again, he would be in their bed, in their tiny but comfy little apartment, with Aria's warm body snuggled against him. He would watch her sleep, occasionally placing his hand on her round stomach to feel their child kick like he had done many times over the past few months.

But on this cold night of December, Ezra learnt that there are some kinds of nightmares that you never wake up from.

"They did everything they could," Ella said between her sobs. "They…They said she had lost too much blood and…" She stopped; her heavy sobs preventing her from going any further.

"No." Ezra repeated once again.

She wasn't even his wife yet. He had proposed one year earlier, on their eighth anniversary, but they still hadn't even saved a date. They had planned to do it last summer but then they had found out that they were going to be parents, and had decided that it wasn't the right time.

'We have time', they had told themselves.

"The baby…" Ella began.

Until this moment, he hadn't even thought of the baby, the only person he could think about was Aria.

"She...She's okay." Ella let out.

"W-what?"

"They managed to get her out before it was too late." A sad smile played on the middle-aged woman's lips. "She's beautiful, Ezra."

A daughter. So it was a girl. Aria had been right all along. But how could it even be possible? How could the baby be alright when her mother was dead?

"I don't understand," Ezra said. "They managed to save the baby but… they let Aria die?"

Ella shook her head. "It wasn't like that, Ezra. There wasn't a choice to make. There…There was nothing they could have done for Aria."

"I want to see her." Ezra sternly said.

Ella nodded. "Of course. I'm going to bring her to you. Byron and Mike are with her right now."

Ezra quickly shook his head. "No. Not the baby. Aria!"

Ella's tears came further down her face. "Ezra…."

"I want to see her, Ella!" He snapped, his voice shaking. "I need to see her!"

There were so many things he hadn't told her and that she needed to hear. She needed to know that no matter how hard their relationship had been, he had never regretted one single little part of it. She needed to know that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him. She needed to know that she was the only person who had ever truly loved him. She needed to know that his favorite part of the day was waking up and looking right into her huge hazel eyes. She needed to know that without her, his life meant nothing, that she was his life, his family, his happiness. She needed to know that she couldn't leave him.

"Look I…I can bring the baby and-"

"I don't want to see the baby!" Ezra interrupted her, his voice shaking.

Ella looked at him, sorrow all over her face. "I know it's hard but…She needs you, Ezra…"

"I can't do this Ella," Ezra snapped. "What's the point without Aria? I can't do this without her. I…" He interrupted himself, wiping some tears away from his face. "I just can't."

Without Aria, nothing mattered anymore. He couldn't do it and he didn't want to.

Ella nodded, knowing that Ezra still needed time to process and that he would change his mind really soon.

But he didn't.

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><p><em><strong>September 2035<strong>_

"Dad, are you sure you're alright?" Daisy, his teenage daughter, asked him, worry written all over her face.

Ezra nodded and gave his daughter a reassuring smile. "Yes, honey, I'm fine, it's just that for a moment I thought that…" He stopped unable to finish his sentence.

No matter how used he was to the perfect resemblance with Aria, it still surprised him sometimes. She looked so much like her mother. And not only physically. She had her kindness, her compassion, but also her stubbornness. At barely sixteen, she was a very independent and open minded young lady who knew exactly what she wanted and was ready to fight for it, _just like her mother._

"We're going to wait outside for the both of you." Elena said, taking Mattie by his hand, understanding that it was a very private father/ daughter moment.

Daisy went down the stairs and stand in front of her father.

"Is it the dress?" The young girl worriedly asked, looking down at the dark purple piece of tissue. "I found it in a box that grandma Ella gave me; and I just thought that it would be perfect for my first day, but I can take it off if you want me to."

Ezra shook his head in negation. "No, this dress was your mother's, it belongs to you and plus…you look beautiful in it," he told her.

"Really?" Daisy asked.

"Yes, sweetheart. You look gorgeous," he replied causing his daughter to smile widely.

"I wish she were here, you know," Daisy suddenly said.

Ezra sighed. "I know." He softly said, pain evident to his voice. "So do I, sweetie." He told her before wrapping his arms around his daughter, pulling her against his chest.

"But she's here," Ezra whispered a few seconds later, when they pulled away, as he looked into his daughter's big hazel eyes, perfect replicas of her mother's. "Every time I look into your eyes."

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><p><strong><em>December 2019<em>**

During the next three days, he refused to see the baby. Ella and Byron as well as a psychologist tried to persuade him to, at least, hold his daughter one time, but he sternly refused. He couldn't find the strength to do it. He knew he had desired this child. So much. He had never felt happier than the day Aria had told him, her eyes shining with happy tears that she was pregnant. Yes, he had wanted this child, he really had, but not without _her_. Without Aria, he didn't want anything. Not even this baby. He just wanted…He didn't know what he wanted. He just wanted this overwhelming pain to stop.

On the fourth day, the doctors told him that he was ready to go _home_.

_Home?_ He didn't have a place he could call 'home' anymore. His home was with Aria, without her he was lost.

The day before, Ella and Byron had asked him if he wanted to stay with them and the baby but he had refused. He just wanted to be alone, alone with his unbearable pain.

He was in a corridor, walking toward the exit when he heard a baby cry. He wondered if Ella had already taken the baby to her house like she had said she would, and if it could be his child that he was hearing. And suddenly, against his will, he found himself waking toward the nursery. He didn't exactly know what was pushing him to go, but he kept walking.

He stopped at the door and looked at the many cribs behind the glass. His heart arched even more as he saw a couple lovingly cradling their newborn, pure happiness and amazement on their faces.

This was so unfair. Why couldn't it be them? Why couldn't they have this kind of happiness?

Realizing that he had made a mistake by coming and unable to take it any longer, he started walking away, but a nurse stopped him.

"Are you here to see your baby?" The nurse, Cáit, as he could read on her badge, asked him.

"I…actually…" He stammered, not even knowing what to say or do.

"What's your name?" The young nurse asked him with a smile.

"Fitz."

The smile immediately disappeared from the nurse's lips when he revealed his name. She probably knew what had happened.

"Oh. Come with me."

Before he realized what he was doing, Ezra followed the nurse. She stopped in front of a crib and looked at him.

"Mr. Fitz, this is your daughter," the nurse told him causing him to look down at the sleeping newborn. It was the smallest human being he had ever seen, and when the nurse asked him if he wanted to carry her, Ezra found himself nodding in affirmation.

The nurse gently picked the baby up, being careful not to wake her up and settled her into Ezra's arms. He sat down on the chair next to the crib, and looked properly at the sleeping infant.

Her features were very delicate and the pink blush covering her cheeks contrasted with her milky skin. She seemed so peaceful, so quiet, as if she didn't have any idea of what had happened three days ago, as if she didn't know that she would never have a mother and that her father would never be happy again because he had lost the most important person in his life.

Ezra looked at the sleeping baby in his arms trying to feel some kind of connection to his child. Since the day he had found out that Aria was pregnant, he had dreamed many times of this moment; of the moment he would finally be able to hold his own child in his arms. He had imagined himself proud, happy even a little worried but now, as he was holding his daughter for the first time, he felt nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

The only thing he was feeling was this horrible pain in his chess, his heart, his head, in every part of his body, at the thought that Aria was gone. Without her, nothing mattered, not even the baby who was sleeping in his arms.

He hated himself for thinking that, but he wished the baby had died instead of Aria. They could have had another child, but he could never replace Aria. She was gone forever, there was nothing left of her.

What kind of life would this child have without her mother? He couldn't take care of this child; he couldn't love this child the way she deserved to be loved. She would be way better off without him. He knew that Ella and Byron would take good care of her; they would do a better job than him. He would help them financially, but that was all he would do.

He had made his decision. He wouldn't raise her; he couldn't be a father to her. He didn't have the strength to do it, not without _her. _Coming here was a mistake. It was only making things worse. He needed to leave.

But then, she opened her eyes.

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><p><strong>September 2035<strong>

A small smile played on Ezra's lips as he watched his daughter making her way to her first class, cheerfully talking with her friends.

He meant was he had told her. Aria would always be here. He saw her all the time. Every time he looked at his daughter, every single time he looked into her gorgeous hazel eyes, he saw her.

He knew he wouldn't have been able to have the life he had now if hadn't been for her, for his little Daisy.

His little Daisy who had always been able to cheer him up even in his darkest moments. His little Daisy who reminded him so much of the love of his life. His little Daisy who, when he thought that his life was over and that he would never be happy again, had opened her huge hazel eyes and gave him something to fight and live for.

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><p><em><strong>December 2019<strong>_

The moment Ezra looked into his daughter's eyes, the world stop spinning for a second. He swallowed hard, unable to tear his eyes away from his daughter's huge hazel eyes.

It was _her_ eyes.

The same ones he had fallen in love with a few years ago. He didn't think he would ever see them again but he was currently looking right into them.

That was when he finally understood that he had been wrong all along. Aria was gone forever, but there was something left of her. _Her_ daughter, _their_ daughter.

A tear rolled down his cheek as he delicately grazed his index finger over the newborn's soft cheek as she kept looking at him with her huge hazel eyes.

"I'm sorry," he gently whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner." He apologized, unable to stop the tears which cascaded down his face.

"But I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere." He then slowly bent down a little and delicately pressed his lips against the baby's soft skin. "It's going to be okay, Daisy. We will move forward." He gently told her. "Together."

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><p><strong>Thoughts? I know it's sad but I really wanted to post it.<strong>

**Please, review. It's always nice to hear what you think.**


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